Pretty as a doll?

People say I am very pretty and that I look like a doll. Well, why did they compare me to a life-less doll? May be because they knew I would become life-less pretty soon? Yes, my life ended few weeks back and I was just 23. I wanted to live, but God had other plans for me.

I was adopted by my parents when I was 4 years old and since then I have become their life. It still amazes me how much they loved me. We were a middle class family. My dad was struggling financially. But he never compromised for me. He gave me everything I ever asked for. I loved music. I loved singing and was humming all the time. I had fascination for Veena and asked my father to buy me one. I was just 5 yrs old. I was actually being stubborn about it. J. My dad spent Rs 40,000 in those days to get a magnificent Tanjavur Veena. It was so pretty that I have never seen anything like that in my life so far. I still cannot believe that he spent so much money on me at that age, in his financial situation. That’s how much he loved me.

I was always treated like a princess. It amazes me to think someone could love their daughter so much. I was the apple of his eye. My dad became extremely successful in his business and by the time I was in my pre-teens he was one of the top business men in the city. He attributes all the success to me. Sounds funny ha? Well, that’s what he believes, what can I say.

I guess my state of mind, my thinking, my perspective on life – are all nurtured by my father. I was one happy child. We were one happy family. And then it comes. I was diagnosed with cancer when I was 19. Doctors said I will not live for more than 6 months. My Dad was devastated. It was more painful for me to see him than my own condition. He stopped working. He was trying everything he could do to save me. But doctors said I only have 3 more months. As time passed, he was deteriorating. My mom passed away when I was 10. I told him I am not able to see him like that and I would be more happy to see him go to work than be with me. I guess he gave it a much deeper thought. He committed suicide. He could not come to terms with the fact that I will not be there after 3 months. So he ended his life ahead of me. He could not bear to see me dead.

I know what you are thinking. Instead of taking care of me, he escaped. Right? Wrong. He didn’t. We both shared such deep relationship between us that he understood I would be more happier if he wasn’t around me. Yes. You read that right. I was not able to see him in pain. Now that it has been nearly 4 years since he passed away, I can tell you it’s true (Yes, I survived 4 years after the docs said I only have 3 months left). I am able to spend more time with few friends who stuck by me and enjoy the little amount of time I have in life’s small pleasures. I couldn’t have done this watching my father going downhill. I cannot even imagine his condition watching me going through all these experiments doctors have been doing on me for the past 4 years. Yes, I donated myself to Tata for research hoping it would help future generations with this rare disease. Well, nothing was working anyway on me. I had to travel to France, Mumbai number of times for the same. I hope doctors can find a cure for this.

I can tell you, I fought hard. Very hard. I tried everything possible, everything suggested by anyone. But nothing worked. My only fear was I should not lose my voice. Sounds strange? I cannot imagine myself not being able to hum a song, not being able to talk. How can I be silent? I would tell my friends, I would rather die than lose my voice. But then I had to. I lost my voice eventually. I was in bed for nearly 4 months and finally God had mercy on me. He took me away.

Wondering how life is up here? Well, I don’t want to spoil the suspense for anyone J. You just have to wait for your turn. Until then, enjoy everyone. Life is precious.

**a tribute to a friend who passed away recently. I was fascinated by the relationship she shared with her father. Hearing all her childhood stories was always a pleasure. There is much more to her than what is written here. A strong personality with a very different perspective on life at such a young age. May be I can share these at some other time **

Breaking code of conduct

I am writing this because I am very inspired by Jai's blog on this warrior combined with my article on code-of-conduct-for-warriors. I have written in that post how Jarasandha did not break the code by choosing his equal Bheema against the weaker Arjuna and Krishna. Now this is focused on how for the first time in Mahabharata epic the code is broken by Kauravas in killing Abhimanyu. It brings great sorrow to see how all Kauravas including Drona and Karna conduct this (not able to find words to describe this) despicable action.

Abhimanyu listens to his uncle Krishna on how to enter Padmavyuha (an army formation) while he is still in his mother - Subhadra's womb. But he never gets the opportunity to learn how to exit as Krishna stops once Subhadra goes to sleep. (For more details on this, you can check Jai's blog. He depicts it beautifully).

When the Mahabharat war erupts, Kauravas distract Arjuna and Krishna on the 13th day to attack rest of the Pandavas. Drona comes up with Padmavyuha and there is no one who knows how to break it apart from Arjuna and Krishna. So Abhimanyu steps in and says he knows how to enter, but not exit. Pandavas tell him that they will support him. But Jayadratha stops Pandavas as he has a boon from Shiva that he can hold off Pandavas except Arjuna for 1 day.

Abhimanyu successfully breaks the formation and causes havoc killing his enemies including Duryodhana's son. It gets impossible for Kauravas to stop Abhimanyu. Now here comes the "breaking of the code". Mind you, he is just 16 years old.

• Karna - not able to break Abhimanyu's armor, on Drona's advise, strikes him from behind.
• Chariot breaks, charioteer/horses are killed. At this point they should stop as you cannot fight with someone when he is on ground and you are not. But they continue attacking him.
• Abhimanyu continues to fight with sword in one hand and chariot wheel in other.
• Ignoring all rules of war, all Kauravas fight with him simultaneously - including Drona.
• In the end Abhimanyu gets killed. It is said that Karna killed him from behind.

All of them killed this child in a despicable manner. It is for this reason that Arjuna kills Karna when he is removing the wheels of his chariot stuck in mud. He also avenges the death by killing Jayadratha before sun sets the next day.

Though short-lived, Abhimanyu is a great warrior who stood his own. It took 7 of the greatest Kauravas to vanquish this young lion.

Accepting fate graciously..

I was really impressed with this episode of Mahabharat. Impressed with Yudhishter alias Dharmaraj). Well here is why. Read this and you will understand.

After King Drithrashtra gives Pandavas back everything they lost in the gambling, Duryodhan is very angry and unhappy. He approaches his father and gives him 2 options - let him wage war or invite Pandus for another gambling session. This time the stake is that loser will spend 12 years in forest and 1 year in anonymity. If you get caught you repeat the cycle of 13 years. Of course he gives a third option: suicide (I know it's disgusting and funny, but this is what you do when you are filled with hatred). Obviously his father prefers gambling option because he knows his sons will lose war against Pandus.

Here comes the best part. Dharmaraj accepts this invitation because it is from his elders and he cannot disobey them. He also understands the reason behind it and all the Pandus know they will lose. He asks the King if Shakuni will play against him instead of Duryodhan. When the King replies back saying it's up to Duryodhan, he graciously answers "I got the answer".

When the game starts, Shakuni asks if he wants to play first. But Dharmaraj says even though he is playing with Shakuni, he is playing against his younger brother Duryodhan. So he will go second. He knows that he has no chance of winning if he plays second. But still he doesn't lose his righteousness. What a person !!

We have to appreciate all the Pandus for obeying their elders knowing the impact of this on their future and accepting fate so graciously. How many can do that?

Well, they lose. More in next post about that.

Sharp tongue?

"Only those have a vested interest, hide the sharpness of their talk" - Vidur to Drithrashtra when he asks him why he always talks so sharply.

I am very well justified :)

Why don't we live?

Why are we so concerned about death and not living? Why are we dying and not living? Old people are near the grave and young ones are not far behind.

Do you think a bird lives in fear of dying? No. It is too much occupied with living, with catching insects, building a nest, singing a song, flying for the very joy of flying. Watch a bird flying endlessly enjoying the wind. They seem to enjoy themselves. Then we are we so preoccoupied with death?

Because we are afraid to lose the known, the things we gathered. We are afraid to lose a spouse, a child, a friend, we are afraid to lose what we have learnt, accumulated. If only we can carry all those with us beyond death, we are not afraid right?

But death is an ending and most of us are unwilling to face this fact.

If only we can live moment to moment and concerned about the future. If only we can live without the thought of tomorrow, let go the whole process of known, you will find that an astonishing thing takes place. Just go with the flow and enjoy your life.

Try it for a day. Don't carry your worries from day to day, hour to hour, moment to moment. Let them all go and you will see that out of all this comes an extraordinary life that includes both living and dying.

** Inspired by JK

My life after - x years.

It might sound crazy to some of you. But this is what I want to do in few years time.

I want to go back to India, build a small house in a village. Why a small house? I think we should only have what we need. My house will be very eco-friendly. It will be made of mud and straws. No refrigerator for sure.

I hope my back will be ok at that time. I want to sleep on Nulaka mancham (http://chitraalu.wordpress.com/2009/03/20/ఇది-వెయ్యకుండా-వుండలేకపో/).

Grow my own vegetables. Of course has to be organic farming. Spread the word about environment, organic farming etc to my neighbors.

I just cannot wait for that experience. I have asked my brother to recreate this in the next couple of years on his farm so that I can enjoy it during my visits to India.

When I was a kid, we would go to my aunt’s place near Bhadrachalam. Those were one of the best days. The village is Charla. Lots of flowers, fruits. I would decorate my hair with every possible flower I can find. My grandmother would braid my hair with these. There were custard apple trees, mango trees (banginapalli), amla, sapota, oranges etc etc. So no matter what season you go, you will have something to enjoy. It was such an amazing place. We would go to the farms and bring home chilies, onions, and others. Watching the fields spread with red chilies is something you have to see for yourself.

Well, once it’s ready, you are more than welcome to come to my place J. I am very sure you will enjoy it.

Life is like a roller-coaster, never lose hope

I always believed 'Life is like a river'. You encounter some rocks, you pass them and you have these waves, but you never stop.

Well, I guess personal experiences make you realize the importance of 'moving on' with your life. Karambir believes 'Life is like a roller-coaster, never lose hope'. Wanted to share this inspiring story.

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/india/Lifes-a-roller-coaster-never-lose-hope/articleshow/5224672.cms