Priya - I love my life

Pretty as a doll?

2010-11-05T04:49:00.000-07:00

People say I am very pretty and that I look like a doll. Well, why did they compare me to a life-less doll? May be because they knew I would become life-less pretty soon? Yes, my life ended few weeks back and I was just 23. I wanted to live, but God had other plans for me.

I was adopted by my parents when I was 4 years old and since then I have become their life. It still amazes me how much they loved me. We were a middle class family. My dad was struggling financially. But he never compromised for me. He gave me everything I ever asked for. I loved music. I loved singing and was humming all the time. I had fascination for Veena and asked my father to buy me one. I was just 5 yrs old. I was actually being stubborn about it. J. My dad spent Rs 40,000 in those days to get a magnificent Tanjavur Veena. It was so pretty that I have never seen anything like that in my life so far. I still cannot believe that he spent so much money on me at that age, in his financial situation. That’s how much he loved me.

I was always treated like a princess. It amazes me to think someone could love their daughter so much. I was the apple of his eye. My dad became extremely successful in his business and by the time I was in my pre-teens he was one of the top business men in the city. He attributes all the success to me. Sounds funny ha? Well, that’s what he believes, what can I say.

I guess my state of mind, my thinking, my perspective on life – are all nurtured by my father. I was one happy child. We were one happy family. And then it comes. I was diagnosed with cancer when I was 19. Doctors said I will not live for more than 6 months. My Dad was devastated. It was more painful for me to see him than my own condition. He stopped working. He was trying everything he could do to save me. But doctors said I only have 3 more months. As time passed, he was deteriorating. My mom passed away when I was 10. I told him I am not able to see him like that and I would be more happy to see him go to work than be with me. I guess he gave it a much deeper thought. He committed suicide. He could not come to terms with the fact that I will not be there after 3 months. So he ended his life ahead of me. He could not bear to see me dead.

I know what you are thinking. Instead of taking care of me, he escaped. Right? Wrong. He didn’t. We both shared such deep relationship between us that he understood I would be more happier if he wasn’t around me. Yes. You read that right. I was not able to see him in pain. Now that it has been nearly 4 years since he passed away, I can tell you it’s true (Yes, I survived 4 years after the docs said I only have 3 months left). I am able to spend more time with few friends who stuck by me and enjoy the little amount of time I have in life’s small pleasures. I couldn’t have done this watching my father going downhill. I cannot even imagine his condition watching me going through all these experiments doctors have been doing on me for the past 4 years. Yes, I donated myself to Tata for research hoping it would help future generations with this rare disease. Well, nothing was working anyway on me. I had to travel to France, Mumbai number of times for the same. I hope doctors can find a cure for this.

I can tell you, I fought hard. Very hard. I tried everything possible, everything suggested by anyone. But nothing worked. My only fear was I should not lose my voice. Sounds strange? I cannot imagine myself not being able to hum a song, not being able to talk. How can I be silent? I would tell my friends, I would rather die than lose my voice. But then I had to. I lost my voice eventually. I was in bed for nearly 4 months and finally God had mercy on me. He took me away.

Wondering how life is up here? Well, I don’t want to spoil the suspense for anyone J. You just have to wait for your turn. Until then, enjoy everyone. Life is precious.

**a tribute to a friend who passed away recently. I was fascinated by the relationship she shared with her father. Hearing all her childhood stories was always a pleasure. There is much more to her than what is written here. A strong personality with a very different perspective on life at such a young age. May be I can share these at some other time **

Breaking code of conduct

2010-04-08T07:34:00.000-07:00

I am writing this because I am very inspired by Jai's blog on this warrior combined with my article on code-of-conduct-for-warriors. I have written in that post how Jarasandha did not break the code by choosing his equal Bheema against the weaker Arjuna and Krishna. Now this is focused on how for the first time in Mahabharata epic the code is broken by Kauravas in killing Abhimanyu. It brings great sorrow to see how all Kauravas including Drona and Karna conduct this (not able to find words to describe this) despicable action.

Abhimanyu listens to his uncle Krishna on how to enter Padmavyuha (an army formation) while he is still in his mother - Subhadra's womb. But he never gets the opportunity to learn how to exit as Krishna stops once Subhadra goes to sleep. (For more details on this, you can check Jai's blog. He depicts it beautifully).

When the Mahabharat war erupts, Kauravas distract Arjuna and Krishna on the 13th day to attack rest of the Pandavas. Drona comes up with Padmavyuha and there is no one who knows how to break it apart from Arjuna and Krishna. So Abhimanyu steps in and says he knows how to enter, but not exit. Pandavas tell him that they will support him. But Jayadratha stops Pandavas as he has a boon from Shiva that he can hold off Pandavas except Arjuna for 1 day.

Abhimanyu successfully breaks the formation and causes havoc killing his enemies including Duryodhana's son. It gets impossible for Kauravas to stop Abhimanyu. Now here comes the "breaking of the code". Mind you, he is just 16 years old.

Karna - not able to break Abhimanyu's armor, on Drona's advise, strikes him from behind.
Chariot breaks, charioteer/horses are killed. At this point they should stop as you cannot fight with someone when he is on ground and you are not. But they continue attacking him.
Abhimanyu continues to fight with sword in one hand and chariot wheel in other.
Ignoring all rules of war, all Kauravas fight with him simultaneously - including Drona.
In the end Abhimanyu gets killed. It is said that Karna killed him from behind.

All of them killed this child in a despicable manner. It is for this reason that Arjuna kills Karna when he is removing the wheels of his chariot stuck in mud. He also avenges the death by killing Jayadratha before sun sets the next day.

Though short-lived, Abhimanyu is a great warrior who stood his own. It took 7 of the greatest Kauravas to vanquish this young lion.

Accepting fate graciously..

2010-03-21T16:32:00.000-07:00

I was really impressed with this episode of Mahabharat. Impressed with Yudhishter alias Dharmaraj). Well here is why. Read this and you will understand.

After King Drithrashtra gives Pandavas back everything they lost in the gambling, Duryodhan is very angry and unhappy. He approaches his father and gives him 2 options - let him wage war or invite Pandus for another gambling session. This time the stake is that loser will spend 12 years in forest and 1 year in anonymity. If you get caught you repeat the cycle of 13 years. Of course he gives a third option: suicide (I know it's disgusting and funny, but this is what you do when you are filled with hatred). Obviously his father prefers gambling option because he knows his sons will lose war against Pandus.

Here comes the best part. Dharmaraj accepts this invitation because it is from his elders and he cannot disobey them. He also understands the reason behind it and all the Pandus know they will lose. He asks the King if Shakuni will play against him instead of Duryodhan. When the King replies back saying it's up to Duryodhan, he graciously answers "I got the answer".

When the game starts, Shakuni asks if he wants to play first. But Dharmaraj says even though he is playing with Shakuni, he is playing against his younger brother Duryodhan. So he will go second. He knows that he has no chance of winning if he plays second. But still he doesn't lose his righteousness. What a person !!

We have to appreciate all the Pandus for obeying their elders knowing the impact of this on their future and accepting fate so graciously. How many can do that?

Well, they lose. More in next post about that.

Sharp tongue?

2010-03-18T11:02:00.001-07:00

"Only those have a vested interest, hide the sharpness of their talk" - Vidur to Drithrashtra when he asks him why he always talks so sharply.

I am very well justified :)

Why don't we live?

2009-12-22T16:21:00.001-08:00

Why are we so concerned about death and not living? Why are we dying and not living? Old people are near the grave and young ones are not far behind.

Do you think a bird lives in fear of dying? No. It is too much occupied with living, with catching insects, building a nest, singing a song, flying for the very joy of flying. Watch a bird flying endlessly enjoying the wind. They seem to enjoy themselves. Then we are we so preoccoupied with death?

Because we are afraid to lose the known, the things we gathered. We are afraid to lose a spouse, a child, a friend, we are afraid to lose what we have learnt, accumulated. If only we can carry all those with us beyond death, we are not afraid right?

But death is an ending and most of us are unwilling to face this fact.

If only we can live moment to moment and concerned about the future. If only we can live without the thought of tomorrow, let go the whole process of known, you will find that an astonishing thing takes place. Just go with the flow and enjoy your life.

Try it for a day. Don't carry your worries from day to day, hour to hour, moment to moment. Let them all go and you will see that out of all this comes an extraordinary life that includes both living and dying.

** Inspired by JK

My life after - x years.

2009-12-22T16:09:00.000-08:00

It might sound crazy to some of you. But this is what I want to do in few years time.

I want to go back to India, build a small house in a village. Why a small house? I think we should only have what we need. My house will be very eco-friendly. It will be made of mud and straws. No refrigerator for sure.

I hope my back will be ok at that time. I want to sleep on Nulaka mancham (http://chitraalu.wordpress.com/2009/03/20/ఇది-వెయ్యకుండా-వుండలేకపో/).

Grow my own vegetables. Of course has to be organic farming. Spread the word about environment, organic farming etc to my neighbors.

I just cannot wait for that experience. I have asked my brother to recreate this in the next couple of years on his farm so that I can enjoy it during my visits to India.

When I was a kid, we would go to my aunt’s place near Bhadrachalam. Those were one of the best days. The village is Charla. Lots of flowers, fruits. I would decorate my hair with every possible flower I can find. My grandmother would braid my hair with these. There were custard apple trees, mango trees (banginapalli), amla, sapota, oranges etc etc. So no matter what season you go, you will have something to enjoy. It was such an amazing place. We would go to the farms and bring home chilies, onions, and others. Watching the fields spread with red chilies is something you have to see for yourself.

Well, once it’s ready, you are more than welcome to come to my place J. I am very sure you will enjoy it.

Life is like a roller-coaster, never lose hope

2009-11-12T12:58:00.000-08:00

I always believed 'Life is like a river'. You encounter some rocks, you pass them and you have these waves, but you never stop.

Well, I guess personal experiences make you realize the importance of 'moving on' with your life. Karambir believes 'Life is like a roller-coaster, never lose hope'. Wanted to share this inspiring story.

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/india/Lifes-a-roller-coaster-never-lose-hope/articleshow/5224672.cms

God always had better plans for me

2009-09-27T12:02:00.000-07:00

"Why does this happen to me?" Have you ever thought that way? Well, some of you are really lucky to not have to ever think that way in your life. But some are not. If you are lucky, may be you don't have to read this.

I was just watching Hrithik Roshan's interview who overcame his problems of stuttering and scoliosis and went on to become a successful actor. His statement that I liked a lot - "I did not become an actor in spite of my problems. I became an actor because of my problems. I believe all the people who are going through a handicap or some problem - there is a reason for that. God is preparing them for something big.".

Well, I always believed this. Some people might not think it's fair to face the tough situations they faced in life while others are happily enjoying their lives with so called routine issues (well, what is routine and what is not, is another discussion as it depends on the perception). But then, as long as you can enjoy the ride and see what good came out of it to make you a better person to bring better things in your life, may be you will see that it's not bad after all.

Experience your life and enjoy it no matter what. Respect your past no matter what it is. It is yours after all. Remember, God always has better plans for you. If you don't believe in God, you can interpret anyway you wish, but enjoy your life the way it comes.

Do you really love someone or is it just dependancy

2009-05-23T12:55:00.000-07:00

"Two people love each other only when they are quite capable of living without each other but choose to live with each other." - Scott Peck

I was watching a movie yesterday - Dhoop. I will not get into the story as such, but one scene from the movie reminded me of so many similar ones from other movies and may be from real life (media) as well. 'Rohit' is engaged to 'Pihu' and he dies in a war. Her parents want her to get married to someone else. And she tells them she is Rohit's widow and will never get married again.

I don't understand what message they are trying to convey. Mourning is needed. But not at the cost of your own life. Does your life end because someone died? Didn't God give you a life believing you as an individual? Did (S)He have any intentions of seeing you grow as a dependant on someone else and end your life when theirs ends? Why don't people show how to "live" a life?

I like what Scott Peck says in his 'The Road less travelled' to a woman who wants to die because her husband has died - "what you describe is parasitism, not love. When you require another individual for your survival, you are a parasite on that individual. There is no choice, no freedom in your realtionship. It is a matter of necessity than love. "

Why do our movies highlight "sacrificing" one's life for someone else as something noble? Can't people take care of their own lives? Why don't we think of "educating" our own on how to lead their lives rather than making them our dependants? Yes, you need to support your family, but again, isn't it necessary to draw a line somewhere so as to make them independant? Seems like these movies show it as a pleasurable experience to sacrifice yourself for someone else.

Well, I am sure most of you may not agree with this, but I hope one day you realize the value in it and educate your kids the value of "life".

Have you been in love?

2009-03-13T20:46:00.000-07:00

Do you remember in your early relationship with your lovers/spouses, how your hearts raced when you suddenly heard their voices on the phone. How you had butterflies in your stomachs when you prepared to meet them?

One of the most intriguing emotions in the spectrum of joy is Love. While we get more poetic about it, you can dissect it with science. There are 3 distinctly different physiological and emotional categories of love - lust, attraction and attachment - and biologically, they all relate to ancient drive to mate and evolved with different purpose.

Lust evolved to get you out looking (associated primarily with estrogen and androgens).

Attraction evolved to make you focus and expend your energy on one specific individual (associated with elation and craving for emotional union linked to likes of serotonin).

Attachment evolved so you would stay with that individual and raise offspring once mating was accomplished.

Well, something new to learn.

** Inspired by John J Ratey

Life is like a river

2009-03-12T14:57:00.000-07:00

Have you noticed the lapping of a river, sound of the current? There is always a sense of extraordinary movement. But the little pool that is away from a swift tide is stagnant. This is how we barricade ourselves with our families, cultures, views etc. letting life go by that is constantly changing with extraordinary vitality and beauty.

But you see, life is not permanent. We are into spring now. We have seen all these trees naked with no leaves waiting for spring. Now we will see the trees filled with the music of leaves, which in due season fall off again and that is the way of life.

But we humans don't want that. We cling to our traditions, society, name, little virtues because we want permanency. We are afraid to lose the things we know. We want everything that gives us satisfaction to be permanent. We refuse to accept life as it is in fact.

The fact is that life is like a river, endlessly moving on, ever seeking, exploring, pushing, overflowing it's banks, penetrating every crevice with it's water. Let your mind flow. It will restrict you with a wall of insecurity, tradition, ancestral social theories. Don't let it.

Flow everyone.

** Inspired by JK

What is violence?

2009-02-21T06:22:00.000-08:00

"Violence is not merely killing another. It is violence when we use a sharp word, when we make a gesture to brush away a person, when we obey because there is fear. So violence isn't merely organized butchery in the name of God, in the name of society or country. Violence is much more subtle, much deeper, and we are inquiring into the very depths of violence.

When you call yourself an Indian or a Muslim or a Christian or a European, or anything else, you are being violent. Do you see why it is violent? Because you are separating yourself from the rest of mankind. When you separate yourself by belief, by nationality, by tradition, it breeds violence.

So a man who is seeking to understand violence does not belong to any country, to any religion, to any political party or partial system; he is concerned with the total understanding of mankind."

మన నాలుక మీద సరస్వతి దేవి వుంటదంటారు. పరుషంగా ఒక మాట అనేటప్పుడు అది గుర్తు తెచ్చుకుంటే అనమేమో. కాని కోపం, బాధలో వున్నప్పుడు అది గుర్తు రావటం కూడ కష్టమేమో?

లేదా ఇంకొకరి గురించి చెడుగా మాట్లాడేటప్పుడు గాని ఇది గుర్తువస్తే బానే వుంటది. కాని మనల్ని ఎవరన్నా బాధ పెడితే వారి గురించి ఏమీ అనకుండా వుండగలగటం గొప్ప విషయమే. కాని ఉండగలమా? మరి మానసిక శాస్త్రవేత్తలు మనసులో వున్నది కక్కితే మంచిది అంటారు. ఆ కక్కటంలో మనల్ని బాధపెట్టిన వాళ్ళని ఏమీ అనకుండా బాధ వెళ్ళబుచ్చటం కష్టమేమో?

**Inspired by JK

Life is pain, joy...

2009-02-18T11:15:00.000-08:00

"Life is pain, joy, beauty, ugliness, love and when we undersand it as a whole, at every level, that understanding creates its own technique."

This is so true. But we do not wish to see the ugliness, we do not like to go through pain. How can we enjoy life to the fullest if we do not have a combination of all these? If we don't "discover" life, what is the purpose of life itself.

All our education focuses on training us to conform to a system. Whereas it should bring about an integrated individual who is capable of dealing with life as a whole. If we are just implanting existing values into the mind of a child to make him conform to ideals, how can he awaken his intelligence? Why not educate a child without imposing an ideal of what "we" think should be.

Think about this. If your child lies, what is the use of telling him the ideal of truth. Why not observe him and find out "why" he is telling lies. Instead of forcing the child to tell truth, understand him.

** Inspired by JK

Why can't we adopt?

2009-02-13T05:51:00.000-08:00

When I was 18 I read an article in Society magazine where a Delhi based couple adopted a 8 year old boy in spite of having 2 children of their own - a boy and a girl. That actually opened my eyes as until then I was under the impression that you adopt only if you don't have any children. I guess that came from all the Raja, Maharaja stories I read as a child. I liked it so much that since then I wanted to adopt a child and also wondered how beautiful it would be if everyone could do the same. But then, as time passed, I realized that it's not that easy for many.

Someone I knew said, how can we bring them home without knowing where and to whom they were born. I was shocked that she could make such a statement about a child. I knew a lady who loves kids - 'her' kids. People always talk about her being the ideal mother who loves and cares a lot about her children and was willing to sacrifice her career for them. Well, that's noble - though I believe most of the mothers are like her. But listening to her comments (made to me in confidence) - "look at that girl's eyes, they are weird" or "this girl will be a short one just like her dad" etc etc shocks me. If this is what you comment about your friends' kids, how can you be a good mother. Would you be comfortable leaving your children in her care for an evening? I don't think I can. Of course, most of us are not like her.

One lady said how can I raise a child born to someone else. Is it really that hard to love "kids"? Can't we love them unless we give birth to them?

At the same time, like a a breath of fresh air, a dear friend of mine is open for adoption. Of course she couldn't due to family pressures. Some times it becomes hard to say "I don't care" about their feelings - for whatever reason. By the time you come out of that state, sometimes it might be a bit late too.

I also noticed that usually in our country people adopt only when they know for sure they cannot have their own. They try every possible way to conceive and adoption is the last option. But here, people adopt even if they have their own. A colleague of mine has 9 children out of which 5 are adopted. God bless him.

Why can't we? Are we really like those filmy characters who ill treat the child once they have their own? If only each one of us can adopt a child - just imagine how this world will be. No more orphans. It will be a better place to live for everyone.

Energy: Electricity and Me

2008-01-19T18:17:00.000-08:00

Since I was in my teens I had this penchant to switch off the lights that were not being used. If I see a room with no one, I go and turn off the lights. I remember, my uncle scolding me for this when I did the same at his place. He said, evenings is when Lakshmi (Goddess of Wealth) enters the house and you have to leave your whole house with lights on to welcome her. With that experience I stopped doing this when I am at someone else's place. Ofcourse I do it discreetly sometimes as it really bothers me.

When I was in my Engineering, if I saw a class room with fans and lights and no students - first thing I do is .... you know what it is. My friends would laugh at me. But I never stopped.

I remember having "scheduled" power cuts in my State. So every night from 8 PM to 9 PM for an hour there was no power. If only everyone understood the value of saving electricity we would not have these daily power cuts. But unfortunately, people don't think so and it's just a matter of awareness.

They get used to these power cuts and move on without thinking of doing anything to avoid this in future. What is their argument? Well, I will do it, but others will not. So what's the point if only I do this. So you need to create awareness in them hoping they would get it. And sure they will. We all are very understanding human beings. We just need to be given the right information. That's it.

But there was a good part for these scheduled power-cuts. That was the time we kids would gather outside and play. We would tell stories to each other, play games in moon light, count stars etc. It was so much fun. We talk about bonding in corporate world - it cannot get better than this when you are kids. I used to love it.

I hope I see a day when everyone around me is more into saving electricity. One of these days I will have a blog on Water and Me. But don't worry it's not the next one. I don't want to bore you all (wonder how many will read this).

How much land does a man need?

2008-01-17T17:52:00.000-08:00

I was reading Tolstoy's "Stories and Legends". It's an excellent book. I got it from Amazon recently. All the stories in this book are very enlightening. I want to share one of them with you now as it seems relevant to each and every one of us who is running after something.
This is a story of a peasant - Pahom - who is struggling to meet his means. He comes to know that an inn keeper is selling off her land for less and that his neighbour bought 50 acres of land. He gets envious. He manages to scrape half money to buy 20 acres and gets into an agreement to pay the rest 2 years later. Now when works his land his heart is filled with joy and he is well-contented. But now he has new problems with fellow peasants trespassing. He had given warnings, fined them. That caused retaliation and someone discreetly destroyed his fields. He filed complaint against Simon (whom he suspected), but nothing was proven.
One day a peasant passing by told him he came from a place where the Commune was giving 25 acres of land for every new person. So he moved to this new place, but soon he realised that it wasn't enough for him. He planned to buy some freehold land when some passer-by told him that there was lot of virgin-soil and all you have to do is please the Chiefs and you are given as much land as you want for pennies.
Now Pahom got greedy and he went to that place and gave expensive gifts and pleased the Chiefs. In return they promised to give him all the land "he can go around on his feet in a day" and the price is only one thousand rubles a day. The only conditions is he has to return to the spot he started before sun sets. So Pahom started off marking his way. But he was growing tired as the heat was getting intense. He saw Sun near the rim and this fear made him breathless and he started running. Sun was about to set and he rushed with all his remaining strength crying "All my labor has been in vain". He finally made it to the spot, fell forward and got hold off his hat from Chief's hand. "Ah, that's a fine fellow!", exclaimed the Chief. "He has gained much land". Pahom's servant came running and tried to raise him, but he saw blood was flowing from his mouth. Pahom was dead!
His servant picked him up, dug a grave long enough for Pahom and buried him. Six feet from his head to his heels was all he needed.

Very nice story, isn't it? For all of us who are running behind something all our lives and trying to accumulate wealth well beyond what we need. In some cases people cannot even claim proudly about their assets - we know why.

Go with what you need. Not what you want. You will be happy if you change your attitude.

Welcome to my thoughts

2008-01-13T16:22:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone, I was just watching ‘We the People’ show on NDTV about blogging. I was considering blogging for a while now, but never got to it. But somehow while watching this show I got the motivation to get it started ‘Now’. So, here we go. This is my blog.

What is special about it? May be nothing for you. But definitely means a lot for me. This is the place I would like to address the things I love (or not), or things I would like to share with someone (or no one).

My first challenge was to choose the template. I read somewhere that black background is energy saving. So I am going with that. Hang on, can't find black template in the list. Surprised Google doesn't have one. Well, here we go. Let me use this for a while.

I will start with my passion for environment. I am very much into energy saving, being environmentally friendly, saving natural resources. I honestly hope I am doing my best in this. But sure I slip sometimes. Ok. Let me start working on my next blog - Environment.

Have fun people. Enjoy your life. Let your life flow like a river. Don’t stagnate. (I am a great fan of Jiddu Krishnamurty btw)

-- Priya